This is an extremely personal post. But it is also something that I wanted to send out into the world. So please read this with kindness in your heart and know that I am safe, and I am happy.
Dear Past,
I wish that you realized that I did not leave you for another man, I left for my safety. That night that you pointed that gun in my face changed everything between us. If I am honest, though, everything changed after I had that miscarriage. It seemed like such a huge deal to you, and it was, but I don't think you ever grasped what it did to me. My entire world shattered in that time. I was broken beyond all heartache and I still am over the loss of our baby. I don't think as a male that you can ever understand the brokenness of losing something inside of you like that. The darkness and depression that came over me was without a doubt the worst thing I've ever been through. And when I tried to turn to you for the comfort I so desperately needed, I felt like you weren't there. I felt hollow and empty and abandoned by you. So as per our agreement, I found solace somewhere else. I know you blame me for having other partners when we were together but you really have no one to blame but yourself for that. We talked it over for eight months and every time you assured me that you would be ok with it. You say that you did it because you loved me so much, but it ended up being the thing that destroyed us. You lied to me and eventually the truth came out as it always does, but by then it was too late and you were too angry.
We both tried to fix things, but you gave up. You blame me for walking away when I was the one that said let's keep trying. I know I am not blameless in the events that went down..but at the same time you take no responsibility for your actions. It hurts me to know that I was only worth three months of trying. I would have tried for the rest of my life. And that's why I say I love you more. I was the one that stayed despite an abusive situation that you created. Yes I had other men in my life but from your own mouth came the words I am happy with the way things are. You can't blame me for believing your lies, but that is what you are trying to do.
I admit. When things started to get bad, we should have gotten help. We could have avoided so much pain on both our parts if we'd just realized how bad it was. I don't deny that all of this has been painful for you, but you fail to see how you landed yourself in this situation.
Despite all of this, and so many more things, I still love you. And I forgive you. I forgive you for your faults and your temper. I forgive you for every night that I cried myself to sleep. I forgive you for my pain. And now all I want... Is for you to be happy. It may seem like an impossible thing but I truly want you to find happiness in this life. I know that things between us didn't work and won't ever work again, but I hope you find a partner that can calm your wild spirit. I know things between us will never be like they were, but I still hope for a friendship with you. You were everything to me for so long, and you were my best friend. I want to be your best friend again.
So please, don't shut me out. Don't push me away just because you've moved on. We can still find a way to be something to each other. Something that doesn't hurt, something that only loves.
I wish you all the best
My Future.
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