Back from the Dead

WOW it has been a long time since I have posted anything! Sometimes it's hard to keep track of things in the everyday hum drum of life. Things slip through the cracks. BUT I am planning on keeping this blog up and running.

Ah October, personally my favorite month of the year not only containing my favorite holiday but also my birthday. I'm turning 23 this year. It's amazing how fast time can fly when you're not focused on it's passing and remain more concerned about living every day to the fullest. I had such a fantastic summer doing exactly that. My grandmother, boyfriend, and I spent weekends during the summer exploring different small towns and attractions within a 100-mile radius of ourselves. It was magical. It kept me excited for life and willingness to get up and function. And there was a lot of history to absorb.
I'm starting a new diet and exercise regime. My goal is to lose 80 lbs by June. I've never been one for diets or exercise but I want to be healthier. I've watched my grandmother suffer from weight problems in her 60's and I don't want to end up like that. I want to feel good about myself and my body. I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I remember being just 10 years old and thinking that I was fat. That's a terrible thing for such a young mind. The world that we live in is so messed up. But I think that just about everyone knows that. Anyways, I want to be healthy. I want to be in shape. I've never been in shape in my life. The closest I ever got was my sophomore year in high school and I was in a musical. But slowly, I got a boyfriend and I got lazy and the rest is history. Now, thanks to all the medicines that I have to take, I am way out of shape and way overweight. Its very depressing to me. I think anyone who has weight issues gets down on themselves but I'm going to try to keep myself up! I'm going to blog about my weight loss and keep you all informed on my progress.

Dark Dreams Kiddies

Kasper Addams

Inside My Head

A faint whisper. Was it real? Or in my head?
 Did you hear that? No? Oh, Just me. Yeah, I'm ok. No, it's gone now.
This is a conversation I have with my boyfriend at least four times a day. Every time I hope he'll say he heard it too.
There are constantly people talking to me. At least there use to be before I was on my meds. All the time voices would whisper things. Hiss insults or tell me things to do that wouldn't be good for me. Its a weird thing to look at these voices and realize that they're just trying to help. I try not to talk about the voices because the more I talk about them the louder they get, but this is a part of me. And it's one that I don't want to have to hide.
I hear whispers sometimes. Sometimes it's full sentences or thoughts. Sometimes it's someone yelling at me so loudly that I have to cover my ears and hum just to block it out. It's loud in my head. Always loud. The voices drone on in the background. They make it hard to focus on anything and sometimes I'll just sit for hours listening to them without moving. It's one thing to explain what it's like and another to hear it. If you would, take the time to listen to this video with headphones on. It explains better than I can with words

Yeah, its really like that. Listen to this audio while trying to do something and you'll see what everyday life is like for schizophrenics. And maybe you'll start to understand that while some of the things we do may seem off the wall or crazy to you actually make perfect sense to us. 

Dark Dreams Kiddies

Kasper Addams

Psychosis and You

As I stare at the blank page, cursor blinking in undaunted preparation, I consider all the things that could possibly fill up a page. A story, a song, an idea to change the world. It's amazing what sort of things one could write on a page. Just a simple page, nothing more and nothing less. But I digress. Today's topic for conversation is Mental Illness. Specifically depression and Schizophrenia. As someone who suffers both I can tell you its no cake walk. Not to mention the preconceived notions that follow being schizo.

The majority of people think of schizophrenia when they think about mental illness and what they picture is often a deranged person mumbling nonsense to themselves. While there are times when I feel like this, there are also times when I am totally normal. What I want the general public to understand is that I am more than my illness and so are others who suffer from mental illness's. On top of that, I want people to recognize mental illness for what it is. An illness. That even though it's not like a broken bone, you can't physically see mental illness, it can still be just as detrimental to everyday life.

http://www.123rf.com/photo_16609175_abstract-word-cloud-for-disorganized-schizophrenia-with-related-tags-and-terms.html

Take my life for example. I have a hard time holding down a job. This is due to high-stress levels and the need to keep my stress at a minimum to avoid psychotic episodes. I can't work high stress or really any stress job. This puts me in an awkward category, as all my friends have jobs and work for a living. I am on the outside, unable to hold down a steady job at the moment and unable to care for myself. This is a hard concept to explain to people who ask me why I don't work or why my boyfriend has to do all the work. People don't seem to understand that my mental illness bars me from doing day to day tasks that they find simple. I can't carry on very good conversations with people but my vocabulary is vast and my syntax is on par with most college graduates. The problem is, my brain simply works differently. Communication in the verbal sense is a constant struggle for me. To the point of social anxiety. I don't often speak to people when out in public because it can be hard to understand my peculiar way of communicating. Those who know me well have adapted and see nothing wrong with my speech patterns and thoughts. But someone on the outside might see me as a less intelligent individual due to my need for long pauses to gather my thoughts or the strange way I sometimes arrange them. This is just one small problem I face on a daily basis that makes it next to impossible to do something as simple as holding down a job.

I want to continue to talk about the ins and outs of mental illnesses like mine. So look forward to getting a few more blogs like this one!

Dark Dreams Kiddies

Kasper Addams

A tiger who earned her stripes

Ok so I have to take issue with something I saw recently online it was this picture

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/456130268481973428/

And the comments on it were something to this effect

https://whisper.sh/whisper/051a45afb68190592400953e3dee3441d00303/I-have-scars-and-I-hate-hearing-your-scars-are-beautiful-Stop-romant

As someone who has self-harmed before the second post in reference to the third really bothers me. Why you ask? Because YES I am a tiger who earned its stripes. I fought for years with self-harm and was finally able to overcome it. I know what kind of a battle that is from a very personal standpoint and when someone tries to tell me that my scars are ugly? I know this person is only saying that we shouldn't glorify self-harm, we shouldn't make it something poetic. And I agree with that. But what I don't agree with is belittling someone's battle scars. I can't tell you in words how hard it is to get over self-harm. It takes so much strength and determination. So if you self-harm, do not glorify it. Do not romanticise it and make it seem poetic and like it's a good thing to do. But if you've been through the battle and you've come out on that other side, don't let anyone tell you that you're not still beautiful because you fought hard to get through those scars. And that's the point I think that people are missing when they comment on pictures like the first one. Their missing that someone out there is saying I came, I saw, and I conquered, that someone is saying my battle scars make me beautiful because I went through something horrible and came out the other side of it. So remember when commenting on things like that that there is a person out there, somewhere, who has fought that battle and only wants to remind themselves that despite how bad they may be, they are scars, not wounds. The blood has dried, the pain has healed, and they just want to move on with the assurance that they are still worth something. 

If you or someone you know self-harms speak up. Or call 1-800-273-TALK 

An open letter to my Ex

This is an extremely personal post. But it is also something that I wanted to send out into the world. So please read this with kindness in your heart and know that I am safe, and I am happy.




Dear Past,
I wish that you realized that I did not leave you for another man, I left for my safety. That night that you pointed that gun in my face changed everything between us. If I am honest, though, everything changed after I had that miscarriage. It seemed like such a huge deal to you, and it was, but I don't think you ever grasped what it did to me. My entire world shattered in that time. I was broken beyond all heartache and I still am over the loss of our baby. I don't think as a male that you can ever understand the brokenness of losing something inside of you like that. The darkness and depression that came over me was without a doubt the worst thing I've ever been through. And when I tried to turn to you for the comfort I so desperately needed, I felt like you weren't there. I felt hollow and empty and abandoned by you. So as per our agreement, I found solace somewhere else. I know you blame me for having other partners when we were together but you really have no one to blame but yourself for that. We talked it over for eight months and every time you assured me that you would be ok with it. You say that you did it because you loved me so much, but it ended up being the thing that destroyed us. You lied to me and eventually the truth came out as it always does, but by then it was too late and you were too angry.
We both tried to fix things, but you gave up. You blame me for walking away when I was the one that said let's keep trying. I know I am not blameless in the events that went down..but at the same time you take no responsibility for your actions. It hurts me to know that I was only worth three months of trying. I would have tried for the rest of my life. And that's why I say I love you more. I was the one that stayed despite an abusive situation that you created. Yes I had other men in my life but from your own mouth came the words I am happy with the way things are. You can't blame me for believing your lies, but that is what you are trying to do.
I admit. When things started to get bad, we should have gotten help. We could have avoided so much pain on both our parts if we'd just realized how bad it was. I don't deny that all of this has been painful for you, but you fail to see how you landed yourself in this situation.
Despite all of this, and so many more things, I still love you. And I forgive you. I forgive you for your faults and your temper. I forgive you for every night that I cried myself to sleep. I forgive you for my pain. And now all I want... Is for you to be happy. It may seem like an impossible thing but I truly want you to find happiness in this life. I know that things between us didn't work and won't ever work again, but I hope you find a partner that can calm your wild spirit. I know things between us will never be like they were, but I still hope for a friendship with you. You were everything to me for so long, and you were my best friend. I want to be your best friend again.
So please, don't shut me out. Don't push me away just because you've moved on. We can still find a way to be something to each other. Something that doesn't hurt, something that only loves.

I wish you all the best

My Future.

Adventures in Plain Sight

I've always loved writing. Something about the release of words flowing across a page free's my mind of anything and everything. In these moments, I find myself on the precipice of some amazing self-discovery. And then suddenly it's gone. Sometimes I walk away with nothing to show for it, other times I find I have words in front of me that reveal a truth that touches the soul. Not to brag on my writing skills at all.
Writing has always been the way I've chosen to tame my wild and chaotic thoughts. Speaking of wild and chaotic. I love adventures. Even just the simple type. The ones that are going to mcdonalds at three in the morning and then going to the park and swinging on the swings, impromptu trips to the lake or the city, going to walmart and playing a game while you shop. Adventures don't have to be these grand affairs. The quiet adventures are usually some that you remember the best and they keep everyday life interesting. So I challenge you, dear reader, to go on an adventure. Even if its just a little one. Take pictures. Post them online, tell a story. And as always

Dark Dreams Kiddies,
Kasper Addams

The Boring Stuff

Ok I know my first post was full of riveting comments on the state of things, but I figured I needed to give a little run down of who I am. So let's get personal

Twenty-two years ago on a cold October night, yours truly entered the world in such a fashion that the doctor was even surprised. I came into this world fast and that's how I choose to live life. Long forgotten philosophies like carpe diem and stopping to smell the roses are a central part of my being. Resulting in a tattoo on my back reading "Live Life Fiercely". I never stand still for very long. I live for passion, wild adventures, and the thrill of the unknown.
I never stood much for a passive observer role in life. Life to me is to be lived in such a wild fashion that one day when I'm old and gray, I'll be sitting on a porch somewhere recounting tales to a fascinated group of youngins.
I am a painter, a dreamer, a poet, an artist into my very soul.
I am also moody, distant, hard to get to know, and too easily taken advantage of.
Thanks to my schizophrenia, I can't live by myself and I have trouble functioning on a daily basis, While I may enjoy the benefits of being off work for extended periods of time, it gets pretty lonely. But we'll get into that some other time,
Ok personal things about me.
I like to ramble. I find solace in long sentences of unique vocabulary and flowery syntax. This stems mostly from my obsession of books. Books books books and more books. I own a small library. There is something to be said for stories, letters, poetry, and music. It's the way that we communicate and to me it's beautiful.
I guess that's all for me. If you have any questions don't hesitate to comment. I love hearing from people and knowing that my blog is actually reaching a few people.

Dark Dreams Kiddies

Kasper Addams